Tag: #stayhighstayemployed

I am usually nervous before my presentations, regardless of the population size or demographic makeup of my audience.  It makes no difference if i am facilitating a workshop to a group of peers, or detailing DMAIC outputs to upper echelon  business leaders, i am unsettled.  From an early age i have suffered from depression and anxiety, it sucks. I have spent countless mornings in the shower throwing up as the loose circuits in my defunct brain aimlessly fire negative and foreboding thoughts at me one after another in rapid succession. As a child and young teen these thoughts would throw me into a tailspin; sometimes one that would take me days to recover from.

Although this morning’s meeting only has handful of participants the demographics of this population, under non-medicated circumstances, would be enough to send me to the nearest restroom to perhaps quietly vomit up my breakfast smoothie. They are the stereotypical old money executive committee that controls the U.S. segment of our beverage business. Wealthy, well dressed, and choc full of old school bias about mental health and cannabis use. This is an executive staff that still supports random drug tests for their office population even though we operate in several legal cannabis states. They are clueless to my lifelong internal battle with depression / anxiety, and even more clueless to the fact that i am stoned as fuck as i define for them the parameters around my collected data.

I have given a version of this presentation hundreds of times throughout my career. The numbers and industry might be different, but essentially  it is the same conversation. I am diligent with my pre-work for presentations. I know my numbers and what I’m going to say to garner support, or deflect attention. The constant wild card is how i will emotionally respond. Its a crap shoot.

Forty-five minutes prior to my presentation i took my “lunch” break, in my car and blasted hits from my vape pen during a space cruise around the block. I take the same route daily, and avoid common lunch stops of work associates.  To keep my mind straight for these types of activities i prefer the high of a strong sativa, or sativa dominant hybrid. Sour Diesel or the Skunk #1 derivative Green Crack are favorites and usually easy to find. However, the heavy smoke odor can be a bit much for a mid day ghost ride away from work. For this reason, and in these circumstances i prefer oils or extracts. A pre-loaded cartridge looks  the same as an e-cigarette pen and has an undistinguishable somewhat ambiguous smell to non-users. After a quick check of my eyes, and a piece of gum and I’m back in my office to review my upcoming presentation.

It wasn’t until around my fifteenth birthday that an actual diagnosis of depression with general and social anxiety was reached.  This revelation was no surprise to me, not only was my daily shower ritual of vomiting down the drain a physical manifestation of this mental discomfort,  it is commonly known that I am descended from a family of depressed alcoholic drug users riddled with anxiety and fear. In other words the nervous acorn doesn’t fall far from the nervous oak, thanks dad. My diagnosis was followed by years of doctor monitored medical experimentation with a variety of SSRI’s, SNRI’s and TCA’s. These are the drug classes that contain the suite of popular anti-anxiety and depression medications that are commonly thrown by Western medicine at individuals  diagnosed with my afflictions.

As anyone who has been through a similar challenges in their lifetime knows each of these drugs carries with it a multitude of undesirable side effects; almost all of which i experienced to some extent. I could document chapter upon chapter about the varying degree of  failure i have had with each of these medications and the mostly negative impact that they have had on my health and my social well being. In short, no single drug or any combination of these drugs provided me enough relief to warrant the horrible side effects.

During my sixteenth year something remarkably impactful happened in my life and would change the course of my mental health forever.  I was introduced to cannabis. It was a typical “After School Special” type situation; me and a group of friends after football practice smoking weed from a crushed Bush Light beer can. After taking that first hit i immediately felt a sense of calm. The constant nagging voice of doubt and fear that had been on replay inside my head from childhood was silenced. For the first time in my life i felt confident, calm, and collected. For the first time i felt unafraid and as if i belonged. This began my journey of self-medication through cannabis.

Hindsight now tells me that the first strain of cannabis i consumed that night was most likely a weak indica dominant hybrid. It would explain the euphoric calm and sense of belonging i experienced. Today with legalized cannabis in several states there exists a plethora of complex cannabis strains with a wide variety of diverse cannabinoid makeups. With the mounds of information surrounding the effects of those strains it is easy to forecast the type of high you could expect after consumption. This was not the case in the early 90’s. As a teenager i was happy to receive whatever crap-shoot buds (ranging from chronic to swag) i could procure from my local dirty dealer.

It is difficult for me not to imagine what would have happened to me if this first experience with cannabis  would have been with a potent sativa dominant strain. Maybe i would have went on a whitey, had a bad panic attack, and been frightened away from cannabis altogether.

Over two decades have passed since that first post football practice toke up with my teammates. Throughout that twenty  plus years  I have successfully continued to utilize cannabis to remedy my combination of mental health issues. Also, throughout that time i have continually achieved great professional success while avoiding the common pitfalls of what is considered typical of a drug user.

Aside from the normal efforts it takes to excel within a company, I owe these professional  successes to a couple of things; a) not getting caught using an elicit federally illegal drug, b) understanding  the physical and mental effects of various cannabis strains, c) utilizing this knowledge to not only keep me mentally together, but to aid and advance my daily work, and d) not allowing the cannabis  i consume to dominate my life. I have documented several processes and tools to insure that items a and d never become an issue. Most of them  require only simple discipline, forethought and patience to effectively deploy. However,  in regards to items b and c,  and in absence of the luxury of trial and error, further steps should be taken to maintain the anonymity of a dual existence.

The energetic high from the Green Crack CO2 oil i vaped during lunch changes my steady state from of afraid /anxious to the desired state of confident/charming. I energetically move from slide to slide detailing the work that has been done, the challenges we have and will face, and of course what the next project deliverables will be. I am cautious to not speak to much, or ramble aimlessly as this can happen easily with a strong cannabis sativa. The hour passes quickly and as anticipated, uneventful.

Although the intended outcomes are different I use strong indicas and indica crossbreeds in similar ways. Rather than tasks that require me to be energetic and outgoing i medicate to be more cerebral and introspective. Brainstorming, budget planning, value stream mapping, Fish Bone diagraming, root cause analysis, and annual performance assessment input are all great examples of standard tasks that can benefit from the use of indicas and indica hybrids.

Through a combination of personal smoking experience as well as readily available data from cultivators, and cannabis distributors via the online community I have culminated the desired effects of a small selection of  cannabis strains. I have further cross referenced this list with a handful of tasks/responsibilities typically encountered. The result is the Right Weed at the Right Time Matrix. Several optimized applications can also be used that cross reference specific  cannabis strains to effect and further by dispensary location. Leafly and Allbud are great examples. In addition to the typical information such as flavor and aroma they provide an overall chemical composition of the strain (THC, CBD, CBN etc. breakdown), the genetic makeup, general effects, and symptoms relieved by that particular type of cannabis.

The specific cannabinoid makeup of the cannabis strain you choose to consume will greatly impact your behavior and outcome of work. If quality of output and  privacy around your medicated status is of concern It is important to pair your activity or task appropriately to your cannabis strain. Nothing will expose your drug use quicker than looking and acting like a “stoner” at your place of employment.