In general, nobody has a fucking clue about what I do here. I think they know I am in Human Resources, because they avoid me. But, if you were to ask the average employee what I do or my title, they would be hard pressed to answer correctly without looking at some sort of organizational chart. It is a good and a bad thing.
Good, because in this state of existence you are not under any undue stress to perform well or in most cases, perform at all. I can literally stand here at my desk in my office, high as fuck on GSC for most of the day, and do little more than stare blankly forward, reading major news outlets, and updating my blog with bullshit thoughts and useless, go-nowhere ideas. This functional anonymity has blessed me with one of my greatest superpowers – invisibility. The combination of no one paying attention to my presence and very few fully understanding my role allows me to float around this place like a fucking ghost. Non-one knows when I am coming or going. Afterall, it is 10:30 in the morning on a Tuesday, I have only been here for a ½ hour, I have not and will not get shit accomplished today, and most likely, I will find an excuse to go home early. Oh yea, yesterday, I “worked” from home.
Of course, like most extraordinary superpowers, this one has downsides. Without a proper outlet and strong mental discipline, it is challenging not to feel marginalized and lazy. These adverse feelings, when left unchecked, can cause real physical symptoms. What is the key to not totally collapsing in on myself? I have developed a mechanism to enhance the not-giving-a-flying-fuck about overall outcome and outside personal perceptions.
The mechanism’s components and functionality are a topic for greater discussion, later when time and focus permits. But, speaking in general terms: Some days this mechanism works flawlessly and some days, without warning, its glitchy. It is a fine line between working as designed and completely bugging out. I straddle it daily and have done so for a while.
It’s Why I Stayed Home
This morning I feel great– energetic, optimistic and healthy. And, usually on days like this I have no issue with making it into the office to spread this enthusiasm and reassure all those around that: “He likes it here and is making a difference”. Today is different. I feel great and I am staying home to smoke bowls of Girl Scout Cookies not because I feel emotionally shitty, but because I do feel great.
My Love
In addition to being Valentine’s Day and more important, today is the day that I re-up my cannabis stash. I burn through about ½ oz every 10 days. So roughly every other Friday I get almost absolutely nothing accomplished at the office in excited anticipation of leaving early to meet my dude.
Just Keep Me Stoned
Hearing the conversations of my employees is annoying. I hate hearing how shitty they react to certain situations. If I was the kind of manager that still cared about this kind of thing I would coach them– even though some of them are beyond help. They can only perform at the level at which they are. Sometimes it is easier to just let certain things lie.
The speed at which my mood shifts from common daily friction is remarkable. I can go from optimistic about life to certain and utter devastating deadly chaos in a split second. A lot of it comes down to respect from others and self-respect, or lack thereof. I am working on letting go of the attachment of these feelings and non-assignment of feelings to action in general. It is difficult. Finding the balance between caring and not caring is, at times, a big challenge. I would like nothing more than to put aside the petty Earth-bound problems of broken systems, failed processes and dipshit employees. But, I also need to pay my bills and provide a certain lifestyle for my family. Some days are easier than others.
Cannabis helps immensely with this dichotomy of life. The large bowl of multi-strain kief I smoked this morning before work will tie me off until about lunch-time. Needles to say, my interactions after lunch will be more frustrating. Maybe it’s the weed, maybe it’s my crazy brains. Most likely it’s a combination of both. Regardless it only highlights the fact that I need to be in a work situation and legal state that allows me to re-medicate after my meals.
Cannabis Use at the Office: Top 4 Concealment Techniques
Support for cannabis legalization is spreading like a green mossy wave. Unfortunately, the working world has not kept pace with this recent push to make things more green. In most work environments, cannabis use constitutes a policy violation that may lead to disciplinary action leading up to termination. Far worse, there still exists the negative social stigma of being a drug user. Many people in the corporate world hold the view that cannabis is a dirty drug done by social deviants. So, if you do happen to lose your position because of your cannabis use you may lose some, if not all, of your career advocates— potentially impeding your future employment opportunities.
Obviously, there are safety sensitive positions that should be drug tested and use shouldn’t be tolerated. No one wants their airline pilot or child’s school bus driver coming on shift stoned off their asses. It’s also best if glazed-over production workers do not inadvertently stick their hands into moving pieces of machinery. But, what about for the rest of us — the boring job holders, the administrators of stuff, the leaders of people, the managers of processes, the writers of code? Why should our employers worry about our off-work cannabis consumption? Especially if it makes us more engaged happier employees.
The working world will eventually catch-up to this whole cannabis thing. Policies will be developed for certain positions. Companies will no longer persecute employees with broadly applied draconian drug testing rules. Compound tolerance levels will be established and better methods to accurately test on-site impairment will be developed. This will allow the casual user the birth right of anonymous off duty cannabis consumption, for whatever reason. Until then, if you need to pay bills, its important to stay employed. Keeping your job means being discreet with your cannabis use.
Below are 4 simple rules that can be followed to help insure your cannabis consumption goes undetected at work:
- Ditch the flame — Use methods of consuming other than smoking: Combustion of cannabis has ancillary effects aside from the awesome heavy high. Obviously there is that easily recognizable dank skunky smell, but smoke also impacts your eyes and mouth — picture any poster child high-school stoner; red eyes, cotton mouth, and dragon breath. These are sure markers for cannabis use. Fortunately, consumption has evolved far beyond fire. Edibles and extracts are easily obtained and companies are competing hand over fist to provide a better refined and more powerful product. And not only does the powerful high last longer, the smell is ambiguous and does not linger like smoke. Re-medicating between meetings and during lunch is virtually undetectable if proper precautions are followed. For those with limited access to extracts or edibles flower vaporizers and basic hygiene practices (eye drops, mouthwash, etc.) can help protect your secret cannabis identity. The classic desktop Volcano vaporizers are awesome. They provide gigantic hits, the vapor bag allows you to walk around your house and they heat up quickly, but they can cost up to 600 bucks fully loaded. Da Vinci and The Kind Pen are great portable vaporizer options. They are fairly inexpensive, can be ordered online, and available for delivery regardless of what state you live in . Plus, they fit in your pocket.
- Don’t show your tells — Recognize your unconscious quirks while your high: In college I had a friend, who whenever was high, would continually shift his weight back and forth from left foot to right. it reminded me of a bad impression of an awkward seventh grade dance participant —Left right, left right, left right. Watching him order at Baskin Robbins, was funny as fuck —not so much the dance that he would do, but more the reaction to him by the employee. It was somewhere between bewilderedment and pitty. This behavior was hilarious to me, but to him, totally unconscious. And, when high, it was greatly exaggerated both in amplitude and frequency. Everyone could clearly see my buddy was high by witnessing his little dance. Most of us have similar small tells. It may be an audible tick (umm, err, uhhh) or a physical manifestation like my friends two step jig. These unconscious behaviors can put a spotlight on you, the real you, your stoned self. Be aware of what your two step jig is and take steps to counter it or distract from it.
- Establish a clean platform — Create the persona of a healthy individual who is tied to their work and does not desire to consume drugs. Regardless of the industry or department you work in, Inevitably the topic of drugs and cannabis use will arise. Agreeing with a pro cannabis position can potentially expose your own drug use. Agreeing with an anti cannabis stance seals your fate as the intolerant uneducated dick of the office. The best practice is to ignore the conversation and not comment at all. If it can be done in an inconspicuous way, leave the room. If you are pressed for a comment having a canned response prepared such as, “I tried cannabis a couple times in college, but couldn’t imagine smoking it now, I wouldn’t get anything done. But to each his own.” Leave the stoner nomenclature at home. Be wary of the dudes, bros, and mans, you include in your verbal lineup. Looking the part is always important. it goes without saying that you shouldn’t be wearing dank weed smelling clothing or that is not suitable for your position or industry. The goal is to look benign and blend in as much as possible.
- Dose according to task– Consume the right strain of cannabis at the right time for the right task: Not all cannabis strains are created equally. Aside from the simple classification of sativa and indica there exists a multitude of complex cannibinoid combinations that make up thousands of cannabis strains. THC is but one of the many compounds of the cannabis flower that has therapeutic or psychoactive effects. It is important to understand the individual effects of the strain(s). Smoking a strong couch smashing indica might not be the best idea if your next task is presenting in front of a group of people. You may come off as a sluggish dope. Likewise, a super heady sativa doesn’t support sitting quietly in a board room reviewing year to date financials. Controlling your fidgets, trying to sit still, while worked up on some powerful Sour Diesel is close to torture. Being knowledgeable about the individual chemical profiles of these thousands of cannabis strains doesn’t require a PhD in chemistry. Several resources exist to help identify the chemical makeup, intended effects, and retail outlet to purchase specific cannabis strains. Leafly is a great fluid repository’s of cannabis data, industry knowledge and locations to purchase both the medical and recreational cannabis you are looking for.
Someday we will all live in a world where one can choose to medicate without worrying about losing their employment. A world where cannabis is openly discussed in the workplace and how it can benefit employees and the company rather than being viewed as detrimental. A world where cannabis is openly discussed in the workplace and how it can benefit employees and the company rather than being viewed as detrimental. However, until then, staying employed and medicated on cannabis requires a little more effort.
Legal Cannabis is Fucking-up My Side Gig
One pound of cannabis has roughly 128 eighths (443 grams). One eighth (3.5 grams) of that cannabis sales for 45-50 bucks on the illegal US cannabis market. My price per pound of high quality cannabis, regardless of the strain, is $1500. low-level dealers, and those that have a so called hook-up get a discount on larger quantities purchased at the same time— 300 dollars for an ounce. I have worked hard in my cannabis career to cultivate an exclusive consumer base and because of this all my customers receive a hook up. I no longer sale 50 sacks of weed, its either ounces or half-ounces. When parceled out and sold as ounces, one pound of cannabis can yield a profit of $3300. After subtracting the amount i consume (on average one quarter ounce week) i net $2300 per month — give or take an eighth.
This is the price breakdown for chronic, cannabis with a high THC content and no seeds. I quit selling sacks with seeds decades ago. At one time i did get requests for this cheaper “brick weed”. Some prefer the high from the lower THC content and can tolerate the harsh throat burning smoke. Even though i think there would have been a market for it, I wouldn’t have had a hookup for non-sensimilla type buds.
For those of you still guessing, I am a pot dealer. To clarify, i am a part-time cannabis proprietor. Although I no longer rely solely on my cannabis sales to fund my lifestyle, for the majority of my professional career (~20 years) my lucrative side hustle has been selling chronic to customers who you wouldn’t normally see as cannabis users. For the most part, aside from the pure enjoyment of just getting high, these people have a legitimate medical need for cannabis: depression, anxiety, pain, etc. However, what they lack is a safe venue to purchase the cannabis they need— this is the niche that i fill. They appreciate my offerings, and the safe, discreet operation that i run.
This diverse clientele of like business professionals , teachers, doctors, lawyers and private entrepreneurs primarily pay with 20, 50, and 100 dollar bills. Monthly, I use this cash in ways that are off the grid. For example i use this cash to buy things like groceries, clothing, and nights out at restaurants / bars but i do not pay my household bills with it— well, maybe in a pinch. Regardless of how it is spent i offset my annual income with about 27.5k in cash.
Monetary compensation aside, i have made some amazing lifelong friends. Bound by the same need to relieve pain and anxiety in a safe, discreet and natural manner we exist in this cannabis underground together.
Sadly for me, the legalization of recreational cannabis in several of the states surrounding the one i live in, is bringing about the quick end of my lucrative side gig. These same doctors, lawyers, and business professionals can now ship themselves whatever cannabis products they need from nearby legal states. My exclusive contacts in the cannabis black-market are no longer a unique competitive advantage.
A small market still exists with those who are not yet bold enough to ship or travel back with the cannabis products they need. I have also done my best to diversify my cannabis portfolio to more than just flower. Dabs, oils, kief and edibles round out my product offerings. The markup on these new products is marginal and the risk to procure is higher. It is also impossible to carry the multiple cannabis strains that my clientele has become accustomed to in legal states. I focus on the most popular indica, sativa and hybrid strains — Kush, Diesel etc.
I couldn’t be more enthusiastic about the direction cannabis has taken in our country. The prospect of bringing safe and effective medicine to those who need it feels my heart with joy. The advances in plant genetics and consumption modalities, aside from being fascinating, cultivates an incredible user experience. And i would be lying if i didn’t admit that the criminal stigma around the cannabis plant has impacted me in a very real way. However, my revenue is sharply down and It is only a matter of time that my beloved chosen trade will no longer be valid.
I am being pushed into obsolescence by the legal cannabis trade and am now looking to pivot.
I Give Up: 3 Tools of the Sub-Par Employee
The title of this post is misleading. I know it sounds depressing. However, I wrote this as a statement of liberation. It marks the spot on my career timeline where i have given up on outcome. Although i have been slowly unplugging from work responsibilities over the prior several months — I can now happily declare, ” I am no longer concerned with measured output, deliverable, or KPIs. I now focus entirely on the perception of the value i bring to the organization.” It feels great writing that down.
I speak often of my experiences in the working world, and how my struggles with depression / anxiety are an ever present factor in my life. In the past i used this anxiety to fuel me at work to rise to the occasion and deliver when others have not been able to. It is because of this self-imposed pressure that i have been able to achieve a moderate amount of career success by most organizations standards. This method has taken its toll both physically and mentally. The countless hours spent struggling emotionally to achieve ever increasing stretch goals all-the-while keeping a calm outward appearance has left deep cracks in the foundation of what makes up me. I am now at a tipping point, a hard stop, a point of diminishing return. It is time to complete the career pivot that i have started.
Reflecting on time spent following the classic emotional wrecking-ball career model of do more-to get more- to do more i have observed two distinctly different types of successful people. In addition to the stereo-typically successful type A employee — the average accomplish your task on time, work long hours and weekends only to accept more responsibility employee — there also exists type B employees. Type B employees thrive within organization without hitting their mark — somehow, they remain employed. At times, they are even highly revered with what little work they accomplish, praised.
In many instances the supervisors response to a type B employee with a marginal measurable output versus a type A employee with a good performance record is relatively the same.
The delta between is the amount of stress and emotional discomfort the type A employee experiences — it is far greater than the type B employee. He is unplugged, coasting, and stress free.
Some hard research does exist showing increased work effort is “associated with reduced well-being and inferior career-related outcomes.” Using data collected from more than 50,000 people from 36 European countries, researchers found that the harder employees worked the more likely they were to report stress, fatigue, and lowered job satisfaction. Further, they also were noted to have inferior work outcomes around job security, recognition, and career prospects. This held true even in upper-level occupations.
In simple terms — keeping up the appearance of success seems far easier emotionally than hitting any real deliverable.
How do people get away with this? More importantly, how can i get away with this? Either consciously or subconsciously they have developed and alternative skill-set; a skill-set that affords them the luxury of making a great wage, and receiving praise, all without providing equivalent effort or outcome — Sign me up.
Most of these so-called skills are no different than concepts put forth by handfuls of self-help leaders and business gurus, simple things. Publications such as Sylvia Ann Hewlett’s, “Forget a Mentor, Find a Sponsor: The New Way to Fast-Track Your Career” demonstrates the importance of finding a senior-level sponsor to advocate for you and your work when seeking advancement within an organization. And, Malcolm Gladwell in his 2005 best seller, The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, reinforces the belief that people formulate opinions in the first several seconds of interacting with someone.
What is put forth below are obviously gross-manipulations of these already proven sound concepts, but in each instance the outcome is the same.
It is important to note that these concepts cannot be applied until a certain amount of baseline confidence is achieved in the overall competence of an employee. Further research would be needed on the specific application of these principles to a less demonstrated demographic group. Once this core competency has been proven a handful of basic job requirements still need to be accomplished in order to maintain the baseline perception of performance and engagement. For example; approving employees time, delegating project responsibilities, performance reviews, attending meetings, etc. If tasks like these are not completed — most likely, it will be noticed. These essential duties will vary by position and company. It is important to identify and mitigate for them prior to taking the next steps.
With elementary job functions properly addressed, maintaining the picture of achievement and engagement becomes the priority. For selective deployment, three of these bullshit concepts and their general application are highlighted below:
Find an advocate:
It is always looks better when someone other than yourself hypes your greatness. It is equally good if they can cover for your fuck-ups and shortcomings. Instead of spending years convincing several upper-level managers you are doing great things you really only have to impress one — your chosen advocate. This person, of higher authority, can advertise worthiness on your behalf in a way that doesn’t sound arrogant.
When selecting an advocate i evaluate three different elements; 1- influence of the advocate — what authority does this person have and how can it be used to secure my position? 2- reputation of the advocate — is this person on the “right side” politically? (not in the broad sense, but within the organization) 3- amount of effort required to maintain the advocate relationship — Is maintaining the advocacy relationship more of a pain-in-the-ass than its total worth?
It’s important to protect and nurture this symbiotic relationship. It is fragile and finding the right balance between output and no-put can be tricky. Enough positive work must be performed to keep your advocate’s reputation in good light, but not so much work that it detracts from your own quest to fully unplug. Caution must also be exercised to divert any bad information about you, your team, or your work that may potentially find its way back to your advocate.
Do and say the right things in the presence of the right people:
Identifying who’s who within an organization is an elementary step to success for any role. Most likely, these who’s who’s are also colleagues or superiors of your chosen advocate. Once pin-pointed efforts can be made to increase your perceived value.
Stupid shit done in their presence can go a long way in validating your work ethic and overall character as an employee. Activities such as picking up trash, engaging in a motivating conversation with a subordinate, and wiping the counters clean in front of top executives can leave them with the impression that— “This guy really cares about company X more than just his position. He cares about the company and its assets, no matter how far removed from his function.”
Pay attention to conversations that may reveal interests and then study-up. Casual lunch conversations or pre-meeting discussions with this population seems less contrived if it is a topic that yields itself naturally to discussion. Identify commonalities among this group — local sports teams, industry trends, and non-frictional current events can all be great starting points.
Plan for a scapegoat:
Even in a perfect environment shit can go wrong. In this new perception only environment it is a fact that shit will indeed go wrong. That’s okay as long as you have planned for a scapegoat.
A scapegoat can be a person, however consistently blaming others within your company for your misses will make you look an asshole and this political time-bomb will certainly make its way back to your advocate eventually forcing their hand to remove you from your position. It is best to limit your “ internal individual scapegoating” to a select few — primarily those who have or will soon exit the organization. Pre-identifying process, equipment and time-based scapegoats will ensure that you are absolved of wrong doing without being painted as the organizational dickhead.
Already known process gaps, data configuration/integrity issues, vacancies in position, etc. are all easy to exploit. The weather, contractors, vendors, the mail / Fed-ex / UPS, planned objections to timelines, revisions to SOW’s, and multiple emails for clarification are also great techniques to stall and extend deadlines, throughout the project timeline,
These techniques will not be viable in every organization or applicable in every instance for all populations. I am also hyper-aware that my little experiment could go horribly wrong. I could end up unemployed, publicly embarrassed, and unable to regain employment through one of my already established professional contacts.
At the very least, this is an entertaining pseudo-science case study around emotional self-preservation.
But, at its very best, the working world will find humor in my stories and i can change my Linked-In profile page to read, “a 9-5 workday dropout documenting the tribulations of smoking cannabis as a leader in an anti-cannabis corporate environment.”
The Right Weed the Right Time – Project Presentation to EXCO
forecast your high by correctly choosing your cannabis strainI am usually nervous before my presentations, regardless of the population size or demographic makeup of my audience. It makes no difference if i am facilitating a workshop to a group of peers, or detailing DMAIC outputs to upper echelon business leaders, i am unsettled. From an early age i have suffered from depression and anxiety, it sucks. I have spent countless mornings in the shower throwing up as the loose circuits in my defunct brain aimlessly fire negative and foreboding thoughts at me one after another in rapid succession. As a child and young teen these thoughts would throw me into a tailspin; sometimes one that would take me days to recover from.
Although this morning’s meeting only has handful of participants the demographics of this population, under non-medicated circumstances, would be enough to send me to the nearest restroom to perhaps quietly vomit up my breakfast smoothie. They are the stereotypical old money executive committee that controls the U.S. segment of our beverage business. Wealthy, well dressed, and choc full of old school bias about mental health and cannabis use. This is an executive staff that still supports random drug tests for their office population even though we operate in several legal cannabis states. They are clueless to my lifelong internal battle with depression / anxiety, and even more clueless to the fact that i am stoned as fuck as i define for them the parameters around my collected data.
I have given a version of this presentation hundreds of times throughout my career. The numbers and industry might be different, but essentially it is the same conversation. I am diligent with my pre-work for presentations. I know my numbers and what I’m going to say to garner support, or deflect attention. The constant wild card is how i will emotionally respond. Its a crap shoot.
Forty-five minutes prior to my presentation i took my “lunch” break, in my car and blasted hits from my vape pen during a space cruise around the block. I take the same route daily, and avoid common lunch stops of work associates. To keep my mind straight for these types of activities i prefer the high of a strong sativa, or sativa dominant hybrid. Sour Diesel or the Skunk #1 derivative Green Crack are favorites and usually easy to find. However, the heavy smoke odor can be a bit much for a mid day ghost ride away from work. For this reason, and in these circumstances i prefer oils or extracts. A pre-loaded cartridge looks the same as an e-cigarette pen and has an undistinguishable somewhat ambiguous smell to non-users. After a quick check of my eyes, and a piece of gum and I’m back in my office to review my upcoming presentation.
It wasn’t until around my fifteenth birthday that an actual diagnosis of depression with general and social anxiety was reached. This revelation was no surprise to me, not only was my daily shower ritual of vomiting down the drain a physical manifestation of this mental discomfort, it is commonly known that I am descended from a family of depressed alcoholic drug users riddled with anxiety and fear. In other words the nervous acorn doesn’t fall far from the nervous oak, thanks dad. My diagnosis was followed by years of doctor monitored medical experimentation with a variety of SSRI’s, SNRI’s and TCA’s. These are the drug classes that contain the suite of popular anti-anxiety and depression medications that are commonly thrown by Western medicine at individuals diagnosed with my afflictions.
As anyone who has been through a similar challenges in their lifetime knows each of these drugs carries with it a multitude of undesirable side effects; almost all of which i experienced to some extent. I could document chapter upon chapter about the varying degree of failure i have had with each of these medications and the mostly negative impact that they have had on my health and my social well being. In short, no single drug or any combination of these drugs provided me enough relief to warrant the horrible side effects.
During my sixteenth year something remarkably impactful happened in my life and would change the course of my mental health forever. I was introduced to cannabis. It was a typical “After School Special” type situation; me and a group of friends after football practice smoking weed from a crushed Bush Light beer can. After taking that first hit i immediately felt a sense of calm. The constant nagging voice of doubt and fear that had been on replay inside my head from childhood was silenced. For the first time in my life i felt confident, calm, and collected. For the first time i felt unafraid and as if i belonged. This began my journey of self-medication through cannabis.
Hindsight now tells me that the first strain of cannabis i consumed that night was most likely a weak indica dominant hybrid. It would explain the euphoric calm and sense of belonging i experienced. Today with legalized cannabis in several states there exists a plethora of complex cannabis strains with a wide variety of diverse cannabinoid makeups. With the mounds of information surrounding the effects of those strains it is easy to forecast the type of high you could expect after consumption. This was not the case in the early 90’s. As a teenager i was happy to receive whatever crap-shoot buds (ranging from chronic to swag) i could procure from my local dirty dealer.
It is difficult for me not to imagine what would have happened to me if this first experience with cannabis would have been with a potent sativa dominant strain. Maybe i would have went on a whitey, had a bad panic attack, and been frightened away from cannabis altogether.
Over two decades have passed since that first post football practice toke up with my teammates. Throughout that twenty plus years I have successfully continued to utilize cannabis to remedy my combination of mental health issues. Also, throughout that time i have continually achieved great professional success while avoiding the common pitfalls of what is considered typical of a drug user.
Aside from the normal efforts it takes to excel within a company, I owe these professional successes to a couple of things; a) not getting caught using an elicit federally illegal drug, b) understanding the physical and mental effects of various cannabis strains, c) utilizing this knowledge to not only keep me mentally together, but to aid and advance my daily work, and d) not allowing the cannabis i consume to dominate my life. I have documented several processes and tools to insure that items a and d never become an issue. Most of them require only simple discipline, forethought and patience to effectively deploy. However, in regards to items b and c, and in absence of the luxury of trial and error, further steps should be taken to maintain the anonymity of a dual existence.
The energetic high from the Green Crack CO2 oil i vaped during lunch changes my steady state from of afraid /anxious to the desired state of confident/charming. I energetically move from slide to slide detailing the work that has been done, the challenges we have and will face, and of course what the next project deliverables will be. I am cautious to not speak to much, or ramble aimlessly as this can happen easily with a strong cannabis sativa. The hour passes quickly and as anticipated, uneventful.
Although the intended outcomes are different I use strong indicas and indica crossbreeds in similar ways. Rather than tasks that require me to be energetic and outgoing i medicate to be more cerebral and introspective. Brainstorming, budget planning, value stream mapping, Fish Bone diagraming, root cause analysis, and annual performance assessment input are all great examples of standard tasks that can benefit from the use of indicas and indica hybrids.
Through a combination of personal smoking experience as well as readily available data from cultivators, and cannabis distributors via the online community I have culminated the desired effects of a small selection of cannabis strains. I have further cross referenced this list with a handful of tasks/responsibilities typically encountered. The result is the Right Weed at the Right Time Matrix. Several optimized applications can also be used that cross reference specific cannabis strains to effect and further by dispensary location. Leafly and Allbud are great examples. In addition to the typical information such as flavor and aroma they provide an overall chemical composition of the strain (THC, CBD, CBN etc. breakdown), the genetic makeup, general effects, and symptoms relieved by that particular type of cannabis.
The specific cannabinoid makeup of the cannabis strain you choose to consume will greatly impact your behavior and outcome of work. If quality of output and privacy around your medicated status is of concern It is important to pair your activity or task appropriately to your cannabis strain. Nothing will expose your drug use quicker than looking and acting like a “stoner” at your place of employment.
The High Continuum – The Waxing Scale: Understanding your capabilities on the way up
Because I do not have any sun metaphors to commemorate today’s 1/375 year solar event I am informally presenting my notes from my Pairing Your High seminars. The Marijuana High Continuum is a metaphor of the moon phases scale that can be used in parallel with your task list, calendar, project plan, etc. to achieve desired results. In conjunction with The Right Weed the Right Time Matrix you can finely tune your high to complete projects and tasks effectively without the risk of compromising your stoner identity. Like moon phases there are two sides of the Marijuana High Continuum; the waxing and the waning scales. Waxing scale measuring the “up” time frame of your high and the waning scale that incrementally marks the “down”, or “burn out”, if you will.
Stoned at the HR Summit- Look Like a Nerd
Accolade DistractionThe breakout meeting rooms at the Montage are opulent. Much like the rest of the lodge they have an old world European feel, lots of dark wood and thick expensive thick tapestries. They are meticulously decorated with obscure items like giant African masks and turn of the century globes. The only thing missing is some rich old white guy with bushy side burns smoking a curvy pipe in a satin jacket. It is the perfect background to distract from the textbook improvised content that I will be delivering this morning. This meeting space is also only a two minute walk back to my room. Therefore, small breaks throughout the day to retrieve my forgotten laptop cable, collect missing documents, or attend to a standing conference call, all fronts to hit up my oil pen and re-elevate my high, will not seem out of context. Two minutes to my room, two minutes back, leaves me eleven whole minutes to puff hard on my pen, collect my thoughts and cover my tracks.
This morning I put myself through the standard make yourself look as much like a nerd as possible process. It is a workday ritual I have put myself through the past 16 years. In essence it is wiping clean any presence of drug use and fortifying my look as a clueless dork. Yes, it sucks having to pretend that you’re someone you’re not, but it is better than unemployment. No one suspects the corny looking guy in the neatly pressed shirt facilitating a work shop on organizational / work structure and project roadmaps to room full of Mormon human resources professionals to be stoned as fuck. It is the perfect smokescreen. Even if I slip up somehow; lose my place in a presentation, take a wrong turn down the wrong hallway while an executive looks on, or lose a colleague in a pointless rambling conversation, I look so benign that no one would ever suspect my drug use. In fact, most of the time, the long pauses and difficult to follow babbling appear to be the deliberate reflections of a thoughtful, intelligent professional.
The oil that I smoke is usually free of terpenes, meaning that the funky familiar smell of skunky cannabis does not exist and those oils that do smell put out an odor that is hard to identify, especially for those who aren’t well versed in the cannabis culture. Recent access to these oil’s have made things like concealment while traveling, getting ready for work and normalizing with frequent recalibration trips much easier. However, necessary concealment steps must still be taken. Prior to leaving my room several things are done; Visine for my eyes, mouthwash for my breath and an earthy distracting scent like tea tree oil , frankincense or lavender something subtle to throw off any potential lingering drug smells. I do not want to stand out for smelling like strong cologne any more than smelling like pot. Smelling like you’re trying to cover something up is something people remember. Plus guys that smell like heavy cologne usually are assholes. The same goes for my style of business dress, asshole-like and subdued. Always fashionable but understated. Never anything more or less than what my colleagues have on. Usually a plain gray or blue button-up collared shirt, pressed gray tweed slacks, black belt, and black leather shoes, polished. It is the standard business-guy uniform and I wear this Monday through casual Friday. I wipe clean my unneeded, slightly prescriptive, designer eyewear, hang the do not disturb tent card on the dark oak wooden caddy outside my door (classy shit) and leave for the morning session. My glasses are the icing on my over-amplified nerd persona cake. Not only do they make me look innocuous, they help distract from my stoners eyes and they act as the perfect distracting fidget item.
I get to the meeting room early. It allows me to get the lay of the land prior to anyone else being around. I like to work out any weird kinks or surprises with the presentation material and space. I also like to take this time to clear my head and get into character. Waiting for my HR colleagues to join me in Professor Moriarty’s uncomfortable den, my thoughts run wild from the strong Sativa oil.
How many others have presented in this same room while being as high as I am? Where does one buy all this decorative shit that is manufactured to look as if has been worn and collected over the course of years? Who decides which objects to place together to look as if knowledge and experience has been acquired over time? I am this room. In its essence this is what my own office looks like. Trophies and plaques from previous companies touting my accolades. Each with its own specific story about someone’s blurred perception of what success looks like. Each with an intended purpose aside from being aesthetically pleasing. Each its own hustle. Company specific tchotchkes purchased or hustled by me placed conspicuously throughout my office to entice conversations about where they came from; “oh, these? my employees from my prior company gave these to me as a going away present, they hated to see me leave”. These handsome things deliberately chosen paint the picture of success but for the most part are total bullshit.
I need to pull it together people are entering the room now.